This Space

I lost my husband six days ago, to an unexpected heart attack.He was 49, not an age where you typically have begun to worry that something might happen. Not an age where you have put any plans in place. I was still envisioning us growing old happily, and becoming one of those cute elderly couples who are always active and doing fun things together.

There were so many things that we had dreamed about. Jeff was always making plans, he was always looking up things, trying to learn something new, researching some project he wanted to work on. If a friend or colleague expressed an interest in some topic he would start researching it for them, and try to send them helpful info and whatever he could find to get them started. He would always go above and beyond to help out. For the past few days as I look through the notes he wrote to himself I keep seeing ideas jotted down, spontaneous thoughts he was trying to record in voice notes.

Life has a way of not doing what we expect, and this was certainly not something I had imagined I'd face for many years. Now and then, if we saw a TV show or a movie that dealt with the topic, we'd comment on what would happen if one of us died. I couldn't even think about it. The idea was so deeply terrifying to me that I didn't want to imagine it. He would comment that he hoped I'd go on and do the things we always talked about doing, he always believed that I'd move beyond my worries and anxieties and self doubt and blossom into a strong, confident person.

Now that the worst has come to pass, I don't know what will happen. It is still too soon to know how I'll feel, to know if I can survive. Soon I'll have to face the future, the job search, the fear that I'll not be able to pay bills or hold on to the house. The future is deeply terrifying.

For now I am just going to wrap myself up in memories, and listen to his voice, and try to believe, even if it's just for a few more days, that everything will turn out okay.