Moments

Some of the joy of looking through old photos is pulling them up in Light Room and reprocessing them, playing with the light and shadows and hues, and finding a new photo.

I've gone through all of the photos dozens of times, but there are always new things to notice: A look, a smile, a little detail that I hadn't seen before. Sometimes a tiny change seems to highlight the memory of a single moment, and I can experience it for the first time again.

Sometimes I look at these images and feel like he's right here, looking over my shoulder. If I could only turn around fast enough I might find him.

Cross posted from Kything NaturesZen

Hugs forever

I came across an old note that Jeff wrote one day. It was just a short good morning, I love you, have a wonderful day note, and he'd taped it somewhere so I'd see it before I left for work.

We left notes like that often, just to make the other smile. I never threw the notes away, but I didn't save them in special places either and it eventually got lost in a stack of other things. When it turned up the other day it was folded and crumpled but readable. It was an instant hug from him, but it was also one of those sudden reminders that he can't leave me new notes and it made me cry.

Maybe I found it because I needed a reminder to have a wonderful day. My days have been distinctly not wonderful lately, the sunny, beautiful days seem to have driven me into hiding in the house. How dare it be sunny and lovely outside! I won't endure it. I won't enjoy it. I won't have a wonderful day.

I suppose Jeff felt like he needed to remind me how he felt.

I immediately found a frame and put it near my bed, so I'd see his wish each day. I don't know if it will remind me to have a  wonderful day, or if I'll continue to rebel against that for a while longer, but it's another little connection.

Hugs forever, my love.

More observations from beyond the timeline

I was looking at some photos from last summer and realized that a little over a year has passed since we saw Rush in concert. That was a show I'd looked forward to for months, and like a little kid waiting for summer vacation to start, it felt like the days leading up to the show lasted forever. And then, like most things you can't wait to experience, it felt like it was over in a flash.

Often when you think back on an event you enjoyed a great deal you feel like it was just yesterday. It's so fresh in your memory that it seems impossible that any time could have passed. I don't get that feeling when I look back at the concert. I can still remember it vividly, and it was enjoyable, but I don't feel like last July was just a few weeks ago.

I wonder why some events are experienced in the moment and pass into memory without a struggle, yet others freeze time. Time was still passing normally last summer, I experienced it just like everyone else. In fact it feels like it has been forever since last July, like so much time has passed that it can't have been just a year ago.

November, on the other hand, that was just last week.

Sometimes

I feel like if I could just scream loud enough that he''d be able to hear me.

Sometimes I feel like if I could just really believe he was going to walk in the door that he really would.

Sometimes I like to let myself believe it really is a dream, and I will wake up.

Sometimes it helps.

Growth

It all started nine years ago. Well, technically nine years and a couple of weeks, but it was nine years ago today was our first date, the first time we’d met in person. Nine years ago at this moment we were walking around a park, and I was probably telling him I'd better get home because I had to take my dog out for her walk. Nine years ago today was a lovely, warm Sunday.

We'd decided to meet at a big bookstore, because it was a public space and because I love bookstores so it seemed natural to me. We sat in the cafe drinking iced coffee and talking for at least three hours, I think, then we wandered around in the bookstore, sharing things we both liked. After that it was off for burritos, then to a park to walk around for another hour or so. We stopped to pick up acorns, and I put a few in my pocket. At the time I had no idea what our date would lead to, but I kept the acorns anyway.

I wanted to draw an analogy between the acorns and what I'm going through as I work my way through the year. I wanted to say that although I still feel small and unformed, that the potential for great things is within me, that like a little acorn I can grow into a strong oak and carry on. I wanted to say these things because they sound positive and optimistic and I like to give myself affirmations. But today I feel more like these particular acorns... plucked out of nature, my potential locked inside forever, now stuck in a glass jar looking out at the world and wondering how this all happened.

That's okay. I don't need to have a personal growth moment every day. Some days I can just be.

For a few years we would recreate our first date, until the bookstore remodeled and did away with the cafe, and the restaurant moved. Today I'll just sit and talk to Jeff, and reminisce about the day, and smile as I remember every moment.

I'll work on growing again tomorrow.

cross posted from Kything NaturesZen

Ups and Downs and Downs and Downs

And more downs.

Sometimes it's just a down kinda week. Summer is a bit depressing. Spring was also. And here I am, still traveling on the outskirts of time, watching it pass.

Eight months later I don't cry every single day. I don't collapse into nausea inducing sobs as often. I think things are just numb now... 

Summer has brought with it a lot of anniversaries, and I am truly happy for my friends who have their happy days. I love them and I want them to celebrate together for many more decades. I don't want to be bitter and resentful. I don't want to be hyper aware of couples when I see them walking hand in hand through a store. I want to be happy and joyful.

That doesn't stop the bitter, sad thoughts. I wouldn't dream of voicing them and ruining someones joy, I would never do that. But I can't shut off the feelings that life is unfair, and it sucks, and I hate that I will never experience that sort of joy again. And so I "like" the happy anniversary posts, and I smile when I hear good news, but then I want to hide away from them. I want to hide from the reality that life is going on all around me.

I want to end on an 'up' note and talk about hope, but sometimes I get tired of pep talking myself and I just want to be sad. So, for now, I will just sit back and experience that.

Meanwhile, time continues to pass.