Wow this has been a rough day.
Photos collected for the memorial, so ready for that in that I have gathered the needed materials together. Emotionally? Oh hell no. I am not even a tiny bit ready. I can't let my mind fall quiet for even five minutes without starting to cry.
I want to shout at him today. He always told me that he always thought he was in my life to help me learn to be confident and assertive and follow my dreams. This was not the way to go about it! He was supposed to help me at my side, not force me into action under the worst circumstances I could have ever imagined.
The things that will never be done are the hardest things for me to think about. Not just the things that we won't do together, but the little plans that were just for himself that he can never try out, and the things he would have done for his friends, his coworkers, people we meet along the way... He was always doing things. He was always trying to go the extra mile, above and beyond... a few months ago his boss told him he was always "going to eleven" (You remember the Spinal Tap scene, right?) He decided that was his way to do things in life. He was always going to go to eleven, he liked to try to do a little something extra for everyone. Now all of those things are left undone.
It's not just that I feel my personal loss, it's like I feel the loss for everyone who was ever connected to him.
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