Am I Thankful?

Thanksgiving has arrived, and I see lots of people making note of what they are thankful for. For the past few years Jeff was at the very top of my list of things I was thankful for, I was so thankful that I had found the love of my life. I was thankful for our health, for our love, for the life that we were building. Everything was a blessing.

This year? To be perfectly honest, I don’t feel thankful. I do feel robbed, cheated, numb, angry, terrified, and heartbroken. Even through the pain I recognize that I have things to be very thankful for. I am not utterly alone, I have friends and family who are  supportive and loving. I may be having a hard time reaching out to take the help that people offer, but I will when I’m ready, and I know I’m surrounded by clouds of good thoughts and prayers. I’m thankful for those. I am thankful for all of my friends and family, even the ones I have only ever ‘met’ online. All of them are more important to me than they can probably imagine.

Today I’m also a little thankful that Jeff and I never really paid much attention to Thanksgiving, so I won’t really feel that I’m missing a big celebration, or even an intimate gathering. But Thanksgiving is only the beginning, I still have a month of festive holiday cheer to deal with.

The holiday season seems to start earlier each year. I was starting to see Christmas decor in stores before Halloween, but it will really be in full swing after Thursday. Fluffy blankets for everybody!I don’t know how I’m going to handle that. While we didn’t go all out decorating at home we had our little holiday things we enjoyed, and I always looked forward to Christmas.I looked forward to the decorations, and the colors. Jeff liked find a way to make presents for people, he thought they held a lot more meaning. I remember our first Christmas was spent trying to sew fluffy blankets for everyone. Okay, Jeff did most of the sewing, but I did cut the material. And every year we’d pick a night and drive around to look at Christmas lights, and mark the best ones on the GPS so we could remember them from year to year. It was the little things that I looked forward to so much. Big fancy celebrations didn’t mean a lot, it was the little touches that I will miss.

This year I find myself dreading the season and the imagery of happy family gatherings, festive songs, good will and holiday cheer. While everyone else decks their halls and enjoys the Christmas music I’m still suspended in that strange, heavy fog where I feel like I’m not connected to this world, where it’s all still so surreal that there’s no way it’s actually happening and I want to scream for someone to please just wake me up. Where I look at a photo and cry for a half hour, and repeat that several times a day. Did you know that if you cry constantly you begin to feel like you’ve developed a permanent sinus congestion headache? You do.

I remember in years past I’d occasionally hear about someone who lost a loved one near the holiday, and I always felt awful for them. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like.  Now that I am facing it I can’t imagine how I will make it through the month. This will be a month of discovery as I try to work through this and find coping strategies. I’m not sure what they’ll be, Perhaps I’ll pester people on Facebook. Read. I found my art pencils so maybe I’ll attempt to draw, or at least doodle. (Hopefully the self portrait with an artichoke doodle from two posts ago will not be the pinnacle of my artistic endeavors).

I’m still taking each day on a moment by moment basis, and I am thankful that people are allowing me the time to work through this and allowing me to feel what I need to feel. And I am thankful that they are sending me their good thoughts and love and light.

In turn, my wish for all of my friends and family is for a wonderful Thanksgiving. Thank you for being here for me.

(cross posted from Kything NaturesZen)