I never used to rise early. Husband was an early riser, he was always up by 9 at the latest, even if he had nowhere to go. He always wished I would get up early with him, but I was never a morning person and just couldn't get myself awake. Every day this past week I've woke up by 7 or so. I wonder why I couldn't have done this in the past? I feel like I wasted so much time sleeping that I missed out on extra time with my husband, and I feel awful.
And then there are the very well meaning folks who are telling me how strong I am being. I know they mean well, I love them for caring, but I am not strong. I am not even a little strong. I feel like I'm obligated to put on a brave front now, so I won't disappoint everybody. Sometimes, once a day or so, I think about how I will do my best to go on and make him proud of me, in his memory. But the rest of the day I just want to close my eyes and never wake up again.
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