What Gives Us Hope

Hope springs...

This is a bit of a rambly post, but I’ve been tossing some of these things around in my head for a while and this seemed like a good time to pull them together. A blogger I read regularly posts a weekly blog challenge, sometimes a series of questions, sometimes a writing prompt or a challenge to create an image. She has recently experienced the end of a serious relationship, and while it’s not quite the same as what I've experienced, it’s still a painful, difficult loss and there are a few parallels, so I feel for her. One of her friends posted the challenge this week, asking her readers what gave them hope when they were at their lowest point. I've always enjoyed trying to do the challenges on another blog I play with that has to do with online virtual worlds (because that is the topic of her blog), but I wanted to tackle this one over here as well, because it ties in very well with my thoughts these past few months.

 I love my friends ♥

So where am I finding hope? What picks me back up?
Primarily, I think, it's in the support from my friends. I'm not sure I ever fully appreciated just how important my friends, those I know in person and those I have only spoken to online, are to me, and I'm afraid I spent far too much time taking them for granted. I often regret that I've always been reluctant to try to talk to people because I'm always certain that I'm boring, or that I'm bothering them and they'd rather spend time with more interesting, fun people. I'm still often overwhelmed by how people have reached out to me, letting me know I'm in their thoughts and they're there for me, and doing their best to keep my spirits up . It makes me even more determined to break out of my cocoon and reach out to others, if only to let them know I don't take them for granted and I appreciate them.

And while I work on this, I treasure all my gifts that have been bringing me hope and smiles. From the pendant given to me by friends from college, that radiates calm whenever I look at it, to a warm snuggly blanket from a group of women I've gotten to know who I think of as my sisters, even though I've never met any of them in person, to a little plushie doll that a dear friend and fellow music fan hand-made for me a couple of years ago.  I've been keeping all of these things close to me lately because they remind me of just how powerful friendship is, and just how much it has helped to keep me moving forward.

Music carries me forward as well. Like many people I often react very emotionally to music and it can completely turn my mood around. Sometimes it's in the lyrics, but more often it's in the way something sounds, the feeling it brings me, and I can rarely find words to adequately describe it. After Jeff died I spent about a week unable to listen to anything at all, I think in part because I didn't want to hear anything that might make me feel better.  It took some time to get over that, but gradually I reintroduced music into my life. As I think about that now I've realized I almost went chronologically with that reintroduction to music, at first it was things my parents enjoyed that I'd heard as a child, then onto various songs from the 70s, 80s, 90s... onward until I had come back to where I was and I could embrace my favorites again.  Now I can't imagine not having it.

I've tried to read a lot as well. I've fallen off a bit from that lately, I've been letting myself get distracted, but I've read through some books that have helped: Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now (one of Jeff's favorite books,) Thich Nhat Hanh's No Death No Fear, Grieving Mindfully by Sameet M. Kumar , and Healing Your Grieving Heart by Alan D. Wolfelt, which was gifted to me by the church where Jeff and I were married, and where his memorial was held, and is full of good ideas. I am still in the process of reading Ghost Rider: Travels on the Healing Road by Neil Peart.

I have spent three and a half months being on an emotional roller coaster that more often than not gets stuck at the very bottom of the hill, but sometimes it's the smallest little things that make me smile, or make me really happy, or just give me a little hope about the future. I find a lot of hope in the silly, fun things that make me laugh and remind me that I can still feel joy and be happy about something and look forward to things, that I can smile at goofy pictures, and fangirl like a teenager over musicians, and laugh at stupid jokes. I think sometimes people feel like they must pat my hand and be sympathetic and dignified, because the situation calls for being sad and serious. For some people that would probably be the most appropriate thing to do, but I'm finding a lot more hope in the light, and the joy.

I've been considering trying out blog prompts here, because I’m not sure I want to continue on with this being my “I’m still so very sad every day” journal. I may feel that way, the past few days have been an extremely down period for me and I'n not sure what triggered it, but I’m realizing that the more I talk about how miserable and sad and alone I feel, the more miserable and sad and alone I actually do feel. It helps to write out my thoughts and talk to others about it, and one thing I don't want to do is put on a happy face and deny my grief, but sometimes I need to consider there might be a light at the end of the tunnel. It’s tiny, often I can’t see it, but I suspect it’s there and I know it’s that little flicker of hope about the future that I need to hold on to.

Right now I'm trying my best to hold on to the hope that things will get brighter. On some occasions I do truly believe it. I still have a long, long way to go, but it's becoming a little easier to smile for no reason now.

cross posted from Kything NaturesZen