Just a Scribble

This morning I picked up a notebook. I was going to jot something down, but found it already had a couple pages filled with Jeff's mind mapping exercises so I stopped to look through them. He liked mind maps, he would make one when he was thinking about a project, or trying to organize his thoughts. He always thought I should use them to sort out my jumbled mess of mind chatter, but I never quite got into them. He thought they were great, though, I find them around now and then. He was always overflowing with ideas, and he'd write them down whenever he had a chance.

This map was focused on our hopes for our future. He had noted things we wanted to have in our lives, and possible steps to achieve that. There were bubbles and lines all over the pages, filled with ideas about things he wanted to learn, and goals he was setting for himself. In the middle of the page he'd scribbled a little drawing in a circle to use as the focal point of the map. It's a simple little sketch, not meant to be artistic or even to be saved forever, it was just there to represent the future us, having succeeded and enjoying the fruits of our labor. In this doodle we've realized our goals. He has his arms raised up in triumph, I have my arms around him. I can even picture the image with us in place of the little scribble figures.

I can feel the joy and fulfillment he intended in the sketch. We've achieved our personal success, we have made our dreams come true. We're standing in front of our dream house, near mountains, beside a lake. He has a little wind turbine and some solar panels too, because he always had this dream we'd have a self sufficient place one day, off the grid. This is our happily ever after, the place where we will grow old together.

These are the hardest things to find, for me. The to-do lists. The dreams. The hopes, in the form of a little sketch, for a future that will never come.

It's completely undone me today.

cross posted from Kything NaturesZen