And so I made it through that day

I talk to Jeff a lot. I talked to him all day today, wished him a happy birthday, talked about all the dreams we'd had. All the things we planned to do before we turned fifty. We had a lot of plans, although we realized that we wouldn't accomplish any of them by that magical fifty mark. Even if I start working on them in earnest I don't think I'll be able accomplish the things I'd hoped to do before my fiftieth birthday. And getting started is the hard part. It's so very hard to motivate myself.

I'm still trying to live in the moment, honey, just as you always wanted me to. I'm still having endless difficulties doing that. Quite often I don't like this moment very much, this moment is filled with loneliness and sadness, this moment reminds me that you aren't with me. This moment often feels empty.

Sometimes while I sit here and consider how empty this moment feels I like to theorize that maybe everything is just the present, that maybe all of my right this moments are happening simultaneously, I just happen to be aware of this one. So, right now I'm missing Jeff. But also right now, somewhere just beyond this awareness, I am snuggled up with him on the couch. Or hiking at the park. Or going on our first date. Right now I'm with him. Right now he has his arms around me and he's telling me that everything will be okay.

It's a nice thought.