Years...

I've just realized that I haven't blogged in three months, and in that time the first year of widowhood has ended. The first anniversary was not easy, all I could think of in the days leading up to it was "At this time last year he was still okay. At this time last year life was still normal. At this time last year I had no idea what was about to happen." And on that day; "This was when it happened. This was when I called 911. This was when I was sitting in the ER. This was the last time I touched his face." The days on either side of that anniversary were like experiencing it all over again.

Three weeks into the second year I know I still have a long way to go. When I look back at things I wrote in the first month or two, here or privately, it seems I thought I should be moving forward quickly. I was reading all about grief and mourning, I was trying to follow all the advice, I was sure there would be some sort of breakthrough that would enable me to handle everything with ease. Other people always seemed to handle things better. If they could cope and function why couldn't I? Was I doing something wrong? Or did they all feel the same way I do, and like me, they were doing their best to put on a brave face so everyone would think they were strong and courageous?

I finally accepted that this is a different journey for everyone, I just have to deal with things in the way that works best for me, and it's not something I can work through in a few months, or even in a year. I still fall apart at the drop of a hat, I still think I should go into the kitchen around the time he'd usually have come home so I can greet him with a hug. When I hear the floor creak upstairs I still think, just for a moment, that it's him. I'm still on the emotional rollercoaster, one moment feeling confident and ready to take on the world, the next moment upset by absolutely everything and unable to focus.

I often feel like I haven't moved forward at all, but when I look at where I am now I see I am slowly starting to rebuild my life. I have made progress. Even if it was so slow that I felt like I was standing still most of the time. For this second year I don't expect breakthroughs, I know there will still be days when it feels too overwhelming and I don't even want to try anymore. But I'll still go on, I'll still face each day and see what happens. I'll still hang in there. I'll still try to be the person that he always knew I could be: confident, strong, positive.

Last year at Thanksgiving I didn't really feel remotely thankful, not for anything. This year I know I have a lot to be thankful for. I would have never made it through the first few months, let alone through the first year, without the support of friends and family. None of them gave up on me, even though I gave up on myself many times. I am so very grateful for all of them. Thank you, my friends.

But most of all, more than anything, thank you Jeffrey for being the best part of my life. I miss you more each day, but I know I'm carrying you with me as I continue wandering into the future.

Am I Thankful?

Thanksgiving has arrived, and I see lots of people making note of what they are thankful for. For the past few years Jeff was at the very top of my list of things I was thankful for, I was so thankful that I had found the love of my life. I was thankful for our health, for our love, for the life that we were building. Everything was a blessing.

This year? To be perfectly honest, I don’t feel thankful. I do feel robbed, cheated, numb, angry, terrified, and heartbroken. Even through the pain I recognize that I have things to be very thankful for. I am not utterly alone, I have friends and family who are  supportive and loving. I may be having a hard time reaching out to take the help that people offer, but I will when I’m ready, and I know I’m surrounded by clouds of good thoughts and prayers. I’m thankful for those. I am thankful for all of my friends and family, even the ones I have only ever ‘met’ online. All of them are more important to me than they can probably imagine.

Today I’m also a little thankful that Jeff and I never really paid much attention to Thanksgiving, so I won’t really feel that I’m missing a big celebration, or even an intimate gathering. But Thanksgiving is only the beginning, I still have a month of festive holiday cheer to deal with.

The holiday season seems to start earlier each year. I was starting to see Christmas decor in stores before Halloween, but it will really be in full swing after Thursday. Fluffy blankets for everybody!I don’t know how I’m going to handle that. While we didn’t go all out decorating at home we had our little holiday things we enjoyed, and I always looked forward to Christmas.I looked forward to the decorations, and the colors. Jeff liked find a way to make presents for people, he thought they held a lot more meaning. I remember our first Christmas was spent trying to sew fluffy blankets for everyone. Okay, Jeff did most of the sewing, but I did cut the material. And every year we’d pick a night and drive around to look at Christmas lights, and mark the best ones on the GPS so we could remember them from year to year. It was the little things that I looked forward to so much. Big fancy celebrations didn’t mean a lot, it was the little touches that I will miss.

This year I find myself dreading the season and the imagery of happy family gatherings, festive songs, good will and holiday cheer. While everyone else decks their halls and enjoys the Christmas music I’m still suspended in that strange, heavy fog where I feel like I’m not connected to this world, where it’s all still so surreal that there’s no way it’s actually happening and I want to scream for someone to please just wake me up. Where I look at a photo and cry for a half hour, and repeat that several times a day. Did you know that if you cry constantly you begin to feel like you’ve developed a permanent sinus congestion headache? You do.

I remember in years past I’d occasionally hear about someone who lost a loved one near the holiday, and I always felt awful for them. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like.  Now that I am facing it I can’t imagine how I will make it through the month. This will be a month of discovery as I try to work through this and find coping strategies. I’m not sure what they’ll be, Perhaps I’ll pester people on Facebook. Read. I found my art pencils so maybe I’ll attempt to draw, or at least doodle. (Hopefully the self portrait with an artichoke doodle from two posts ago will not be the pinnacle of my artistic endeavors).

I’m still taking each day on a moment by moment basis, and I am thankful that people are allowing me the time to work through this and allowing me to feel what I need to feel. And I am thankful that they are sending me their good thoughts and love and light.

In turn, my wish for all of my friends and family is for a wonderful Thanksgiving. Thank you for being here for me.

(cross posted from Kything NaturesZen)