Sometimes

When I read all the notes of encouragement from my friends they are usually doing what they can to reassure me that I can do it, I can make it through this. They tell me how strong I am. I realize I don't necessarily doubt that I can be strong. That I have the ability to get through this. I don't really doubt I have the ability to carry on.

Much of the time the question isn't "How can I make it through this?"  The question is, "Do I want to make it through this?"

I know that I'll carry on, I'm not going anywhere. I'm not planning anything dire. But I have realized that the hardest part of this is not trying to find the strength to carry on, the hardest part is trying to find the reason to carry on.

Sometimes I look through other blogs that were founded with much the same reason behind them as this one, as a healing journal for someone who is newly widowed. Most of them seem to be a way to learn how to cope, a way to try to make sense of what's happened. Many of them, if not most, seem to have been written by women who are dealing not only with their loss, but also with raising their children. There are a lot of feelings that these women express that I completely identify with. The constant feeling of loss, the emptiness, the grief of not having the love of your life by your side. But they also talk about doing their best to hang on and maintain as normal a life as they can for their kids. Their kids are a focus for them, a reason to do what they can to continue moving forward.

I think I'm having a hard time because I haven't been able to find that one thing to that really gives me the incentive to keep going. I've picked little things here and there to try to shift my focus on, and I often tell myself "I have to do it for Jeff. He'd want me to carry on. I have to hang in there to honor him." And that's not a bad thing, it's carried me along for a few months now. But lately I'm realizing that what I need to do is shift that focus back onto myself. If I don't find a reason to carry on for myself then I will never be able to say "Yes, I really want to get through this."

Adding this to my list of things I need to work on. And for now, I will remind myself that this is something he'd want me to do.