Bad Naps

Dozed off for a bit this afternoon for a short, quiet nap. Woke to a bright and sunny living room, and for a moment everything was right in the world and I could imagine starting to get dinner ready for him because he'd be home soon... And then the fog lifted and I knew he wasn't on the way home, and the sunshine was wrong, the day was wrong, everything was wrong, because how could it possibly be a beautiful bright day if he is gone?

It became one of those moments of profound disbelief. He's not dead. He can't really be dead. It really was just a dream, because now that I've woken up I'm absolutely sure that he's going to pull into the driveway any second now. 

Sometimes you just don't want to try to work through the grief moment. Sometimes you just have to lay back down and try to resume your nap, and hope that when you wake up again things won't feel so totally wrong.

I'd thought I'd be comforted by the warm beautiful days, but now I don't know. I think the warm, beautiful days are going to be the hardest days to face.