But What's the Alternative to Being Strong?

Really, what would that be?

I think when people tell me how well I'm doing a big part of me feels like a huge fraud. They all think I'm strong when in fact I spend half the day feeling like I've been kicked in the stomach and I am going to fall apart.

They tell me I'm brave but it has taken me months to do things that should have been taken care of soon after he died, and I'm still so terrified of facing the future without him that it generates panic whenever I think about it and I will plunge into denial to save myself from further pain.

They tell me they don't know how I do it, but in reality what choice do I have?

I didn't live through the past six months because I'm strong and determined and want to live life to the fullest. I'm only here because I just keep waking up every day whether I like it or not. I'm not sure how brave and strong that is.

Perhaps I'm too hard on myself. I think I've based my expectations on how I should be reacting to what I've seen in media, where people always begin to move on within a few months. Of course they have no trouble, they have to get on with their lives to drive the plot forward. I don't have the benefit of writers who will find ways to ease my grief and introduce something fun and exciting into my life to move my storyline forward.

But maybe that's where the theory that I must be brave comes in. It's not easy to face something like this on your own, but I'm doing it. It's not easy to get out of bed every day but I do. Eventually. But I'm not strong or brave because I do this, I'm just going through the motions of the day.

But, as Jeff and every bit of advice out there always suggested, maybe this is a case where I just fake it till I make it. I may not be brave, I may not be strong, but as long as I keep waking up each day I might as well make the best of things. Eventually, after enough time has passed, maybe I'll even believe I'm doing well.

This week as I think about the six month anniversary of his death, I just don't know. This week I'm neither strong nor brave.

I think my storyline needs better writers.