A month ago I’d had very different plans for November: We were going to start de-cluttering the house and take control of the years of accumulated stuff. I was going to learn more of his design programs so I could be a bigger help with his freelance work, beyond just doing text editing. We were going to try to build the foundation for a business of our own. We were feeling really optimistic. 2014 was going to be the year we really got our lives in order and set in motion business plans that could carry us through to retirement and beyond. A month ago we were heading for the first day of the rest of our lives.
I had plans for myself as well, I was going to devote some time each day in November to trying to complete the NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) challenge. Even if I didn’t expect to finish a book in 30 days I thought it would be fun to try, and it would give me incentive to write every day. As it turns out I think I have written something every day, whether I published here or on another blog, or just wrote privately for myself. This was not what I had in mind, however. This was not the way I wanted to spend November. The universe had other plans for me, clearly.
I’m contemplating tiny goals today. I’ve queued up a few books to read. I finished my re-read of The Power of Now, which I found myself relating to much more this time than I did several years ago. I attribute that to Jeff’s influence, obviously I was paying more attention to him than I’d realized. It made me realize what a challenge I must have been for Jeff, always resisting any change that would bring me closer to a calm mind. I can see how much of an influence my ego mind has on me, even now, but at least now I do recognize it. I still have trouble staying in the present moment, my thoughts are always clinging to the past or worrying over the future, but I’ve gradually gotten better. Not this month, I don’t think I’ve made progress doing anything this month, but over the past few years. I still have a long road ahead, though. It would be wonderful if we could experience instant enlightenment after just a couple of books and a quiet evening, but it’s going to take much more work than that. Currently I’ve just started on Thich Nhat Hanh’s “No Death, No Fear” which is reinforcing and teaching me more about being mindful and present.
I know I will still reflect on the past, but I need to try to let go of the regret and disappointment about the things left undone. That will be hard, but instead of thinking of everything we’d wanted to do as a dream that will never come to pass perhaps it’s time for me to consider what parts of our goals I can hold on to and make my own. Instead of starting off with immediate worry and fear and concluding that I could never do these things, maybe it’s time for me to look at what I can do right now, in the present moment, to prepare. I’m not yet sure how this will work out, lately I’m lucky if I can go for an hour or so without having a tidal wave of grief wash over me out of the blue, but in those moments where the fog lifts a little I will begin taking my baby steps.
This, I believe, is Jeff’s lesson plan for me this week.
(cross posted from Kything NaturesZen)
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