He's just over there

When I first come downstairs in the morning I always hope, just for a split second, that I'll see Jeff sitting on the couch. Sometimes I pause on the steps and try to will him into existence. I'm not having much success with that so far... I know I won't find him there, of course. But still, I still must look.

His presence in this house is very, very strong. I am often struck by the feeling that he's just left he room, or that he's right there with me, and I would not be surprised if I turned and found him standing in the kitchen. It's not that I'm so used to seeing him in a certain spot that I still feel like he's there, I think it's that his presence and his influence was so strongly imprinted on me that I will always feel like he's with me. In this house, in the car, out shopping. I still feel him around me.

Everyone we've ever gotten to know changes us in some way, and I like the idea that he is always going to be a part of me.  I talk to him all the time, and sometimes I can imagine his responses, his suggestions, his comments. His words flow easily through my thoughts, shaping my own reactions and giving me another perspective on things.

Maybe he is there, just beyond my sight. Maybe when we feel someone near us we have a sense of that.

 

image created with Bitstrips

cross posted from Kything NaturesZen

Timekeeping

I'm doing odd little exercises today, counting up how much time we had together. Clearly I don't feel sad enough and must find additional things to make me cry.

From the time we first saw each other in person on our first date to the last hour, we had 3037 days together. 8 years, 3 months, and 23 days.

3037 days. That seems like such a small number.

Out of that time we were married for 2695 days.

Again, not enough. Not nearly enough.

And so I made it through that day

I talk to Jeff a lot. I talked to him all day today, wished him a happy birthday, talked about all the dreams we'd had. All the things we planned to do before we turned fifty. We had a lot of plans, although we realized that we wouldn't accomplish any of them by that magical fifty mark. Even if I start working on them in earnest I don't think I'll be able accomplish the things I'd hoped to do before my fiftieth birthday. And getting started is the hard part. It's so very hard to motivate myself.

I'm still trying to live in the moment, honey, just as you always wanted me to. I'm still having endless difficulties doing that. Quite often I don't like this moment very much, this moment is filled with loneliness and sadness, this moment reminds me that you aren't with me. This moment often feels empty.

Sometimes while I sit here and consider how empty this moment feels I like to theorize that maybe everything is just the present, that maybe all of my right this moments are happening simultaneously, I just happen to be aware of this one. So, right now I'm missing Jeff. But also right now, somewhere just beyond this awareness, I am snuggled up with him on the couch. Or hiking at the park. Or going on our first date. Right now I'm with him. Right now he has his arms around me and he's telling me that everything will be okay.

It's a nice thought.

Happy Birthday

Today is a tough day to greet with a smile. Today is one of those "firsts" that I have to get through alone, today is his birthday. Today he would have turned fifty. Today would have been one of those big milestone days. We never made much fuss over birthdays, usually we'd just go out to dinner, but I think this year I'd have tried to do something special. And there would have been teasing, lots of teasing, I'd been getting a head start on that shortly after his last birthday. "I can't believe you'll be fifty! You're sooo old!" I told him. Of course he'd have given it all back to me when my time came, but I'd have had a lot of fun out of it before that happened. :)

I considered writing about what turning fifty was going to mean to us, what we'd hoped to do, what was left undone, but instead I just sat down this morning and worked on a digital painting. I'm still learning my way around the program, but I think he'd like it. He'd like that I'm trying.
Happy birthday, Jeff. I love you more than I could ever express. I miss you every day.

cross posted from Kything NaturesZen