Ups and Downs and Downs and Downs

And more downs.

Sometimes it's just a down kinda week. Summer is a bit depressing. Spring was also. And here I am, still traveling on the outskirts of time, watching it pass.

Eight months later I don't cry every single day. I don't collapse into nausea inducing sobs as often. I think things are just numb now... 

Summer has brought with it a lot of anniversaries, and I am truly happy for my friends who have their happy days. I love them and I want them to celebrate together for many more decades. I don't want to be bitter and resentful. I don't want to be hyper aware of couples when I see them walking hand in hand through a store. I want to be happy and joyful.

That doesn't stop the bitter, sad thoughts. I wouldn't dream of voicing them and ruining someones joy, I would never do that. But I can't shut off the feelings that life is unfair, and it sucks, and I hate that I will never experience that sort of joy again. And so I "like" the happy anniversary posts, and I smile when I hear good news, but then I want to hide away from them. I want to hide from the reality that life is going on all around me.

I want to end on an 'up' note and talk about hope, but sometimes I get tired of pep talking myself and I just want to be sad. So, for now, I will just sit back and experience that.

Meanwhile, time continues to pass.