Christmas morning

I've really managed to avoid Christmas for the most part. I've stayed in the house, I don't decorate, I don't have friends inviting me over or a large extended family that is celebrating all month. That's made it a lot easier, it means there aren't all of these events that I went to with Jeff that I have to deal with solo this year. It's the same old sitting in the house alone sort of week that I had for all of November and December. But even so it's not as if I can ignore the holiday entirely and pretend it's just Wednesday.

If it hadn't happened he'd have woken me up this morning with a kiss, just because it was Christmas and he'd have thought I'd like it. We'd not have done anything special but whatever it was, we'd have done it together. I lit a candle beside his pic, I wished him a merry Christmas. I would give anything in the whole world to be held in his arms.

I appreciate all of the Christmas wishes I get from people, I know they love me. I appreciate the hugs, but I never want to let go. I just want to cling to people until I feel like I'm going to start to cry, but I don't want to make their holiday sad so I collect myself and let go and try to smile.

And I wish that I could experience one of those heartwarming Christmas miracles like you see in the movies. Sometimes I wonder if they are already happening all around me and I am just not ready to see them yet.

I love you Jeff. Merry Christmas to you.