Sobbing Over Artichokes

So in the past three weeks I have ventured out of the house a few times, mostly if I need to go to the store or need to take something to someone. I never know at the beginning of the day if I’m going to accomplish anything, most mornings find me crawling back into bed and hiding for a few hours. Today started off much like that but I finally managed to rouse myself enough to make a trip to the grocery.

It’s funny where you find the grief triggers. I've accepted that just about everything is going to set me off at home, from moving something that belonged to him to seeing his handwriting on a scrap of paper to looking at the movies he still had in his Netflix queue. I listened to some old voice mails today and was unable to function for a long time. What I didn’t expect today was to have the grocery store do me in. Yet there I was, standing in the produce section and looking to see if they had any artichokes, and feeling my stomach begin to knot up.

I was never an artichoke fan, but my husband absolutely loved them. It became a standard thing when I did the shopping, cruise the produce, check the artichokes, and if they looked suitable I would always grab a couple for him to enjoy during the week. For a second my instinct was to grab one, even though I’d never eat it. Then I wanted to cry because they represented another thing he would never enjoy again. It all went downhill from there, everything in the store that he enjoyed became a new trigger for me. I managed to avoid shopping in tears, but I did exit with a bag of crullers that I didn't really need. I've already eaten most of those, by the way. I’m not proud.

I think the triggers are going to be the hardest thing to deal with, and I’m realizing that we shared so many interests and activities that I’m going to find them everywhere. I’m nowhere near the stage where I can imagine enjoying things that we once shared, or smiling at a memory instead of bursting into tears. So often I feel like I’m not only grieving the loss of his presence in my life, I feel like I’m grieving every time I think of things he won’t get a chance to do, projects that will forever be a dream, plans he was making to help out friends… and I scream at the universe because it is so unfair that he was taken away when he could have done so many more things in life.

I know my feelings, all of them, have been experienced by everyone who has lost someone they loved dearly, and I have been assured that in time, I will begin to emerge from the worst of it and find a path to healing. On day 22 that path still seems to be a long way away from me, but I will do my best to be confident that I will find my way to it when I’m ready.

(cross posted from Kything NaturesZen)