I wondered what other newly widowed folk do for wedding anniversaries… it occurs to me that in all my research I've never noticed anything about that. Do they celebrate quietly? Spend the day in grief? Try to just go about the day as if it were any other? I expect that if I asked ten different people they’d each have a different answer, so I just went with what felt right for me. I'd make my own little tradition to deal with this day.
I thought I'd create an anniversary that we might have had if he were with me. I started off with lunch at one of “our places." Not a fancy restaurant, we rarely went to those, just a nice, casual place that we'd visited many times. I hadn't been there since he died, it had become one of those places that I just couldn't bring myself to visit on my own, and that was why I chose it for this anniversary. I took the tablet along and sat it across from me with his photo displayed, so he could join me. It wasn't the same, but he was there. Sort of.
After lunch I thought about going for walks through some of the parks we liked, but the heat persuaded me to limit that stroll to one small park, and spend most of the time on a nice shaded bench. There were only a few people around but quite a lot of geese to keep me company. I followed the park up with a stop for a milkshake at another of our spots, then headed home. It was exactly the sort of day we might have spent, the perfect little anniversary outing. I could imagine him with me at every stop but I missed his physical presence more than ever. It was a pleasant day, but it was profoundly lonely.
That evening I watched our wedding video for the first time since he died, and it was easy to remember exactly how I felt that day. I often thought it was a blur, the day went by too fast, but the emotions are still vivid in my memory. I could remember being so happy I couldn't contain myself, smiling so much that I didn't think I would ever stop. My dreams had come true, I'd found the love of my life, someone to grow old with, and I would never be alone again. My fairy tale was getting it's happy ending.
After I watched that I spent a couple of hours crying, then pounding fists on the floor and screaming until there was nothing left inside me. It's not fair. It's not. But all I can do is try to adapt, and try to find a way to go forward and forge new traditions. In the end it was another yo-yo day, a bit more extreme than most but not unusual. I guess that's part of my new normal. And now it's onward to the next challenge, whatever that may be...
The day after our wedding we stopped by the church to pick up the decorations and other things. As we were getting ready to go home this song played on the mix cd we'd made for the reception, and I have a vivid memory of him stopping in the parking lot and singing it to me. Someday I may even be able to listen to it without crying my eyes out. Happy Anniversary, Jeff. I love you.
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