Years...

I've just realized that I haven't blogged in three months, and in that time the first year of widowhood has ended. The first anniversary was not easy, all I could think of in the days leading up to it was "At this time last year he was still okay. At this time last year life was still normal. At this time last year I had no idea what was about to happen." And on that day; "This was when it happened. This was when I called 911. This was when I was sitting in the ER. This was the last time I touched his face." The days on either side of that anniversary were like experiencing it all over again.

Three weeks into the second year I know I still have a long way to go. When I look back at things I wrote in the first month or two, here or privately, it seems I thought I should be moving forward quickly. I was reading all about grief and mourning, I was trying to follow all the advice, I was sure there would be some sort of breakthrough that would enable me to handle everything with ease. Other people always seemed to handle things better. If they could cope and function why couldn't I? Was I doing something wrong? Or did they all feel the same way I do, and like me, they were doing their best to put on a brave face so everyone would think they were strong and courageous?

I finally accepted that this is a different journey for everyone, I just have to deal with things in the way that works best for me, and it's not something I can work through in a few months, or even in a year. I still fall apart at the drop of a hat, I still think I should go into the kitchen around the time he'd usually have come home so I can greet him with a hug. When I hear the floor creak upstairs I still think, just for a moment, that it's him. I'm still on the emotional rollercoaster, one moment feeling confident and ready to take on the world, the next moment upset by absolutely everything and unable to focus.

I often feel like I haven't moved forward at all, but when I look at where I am now I see I am slowly starting to rebuild my life. I have made progress. Even if it was so slow that I felt like I was standing still most of the time. For this second year I don't expect breakthroughs, I know there will still be days when it feels too overwhelming and I don't even want to try anymore. But I'll still go on, I'll still face each day and see what happens. I'll still hang in there. I'll still try to be the person that he always knew I could be: confident, strong, positive.

Last year at Thanksgiving I didn't really feel remotely thankful, not for anything. This year I know I have a lot to be thankful for. I would have never made it through the first few months, let alone through the first year, without the support of friends and family. None of them gave up on me, even though I gave up on myself many times. I am so very grateful for all of them. Thank you, my friends.

But most of all, more than anything, thank you Jeffrey for being the best part of my life. I miss you more each day, but I know I'm carrying you with me as I continue wandering into the future.

Moments

Some of the joy of looking through old photos is pulling them up in Light Room and reprocessing them, playing with the light and shadows and hues, and finding a new photo.

I've gone through all of the photos dozens of times, but there are always new things to notice: A look, a smile, a little detail that I hadn't seen before. Sometimes a tiny change seems to highlight the memory of a single moment, and I can experience it for the first time again.

Sometimes I look at these images and feel like he's right here, looking over my shoulder. If I could only turn around fast enough I might find him.

Cross posted from Kything NaturesZen

Hugs forever

I came across an old note that Jeff wrote one day. It was just a short good morning, I love you, have a wonderful day note, and he'd taped it somewhere so I'd see it before I left for work.

We left notes like that often, just to make the other smile. I never threw the notes away, but I didn't save them in special places either and it eventually got lost in a stack of other things. When it turned up the other day it was folded and crumpled but readable. It was an instant hug from him, but it was also one of those sudden reminders that he can't leave me new notes and it made me cry.

Maybe I found it because I needed a reminder to have a wonderful day. My days have been distinctly not wonderful lately, the sunny, beautiful days seem to have driven me into hiding in the house. How dare it be sunny and lovely outside! I won't endure it. I won't enjoy it. I won't have a wonderful day.

I suppose Jeff felt like he needed to remind me how he felt.

I immediately found a frame and put it near my bed, so I'd see his wish each day. I don't know if it will remind me to have a  wonderful day, or if I'll continue to rebel against that for a while longer, but it's another little connection.

Hugs forever, my love.

More observations from beyond the timeline

I was looking at some photos from last summer and realized that a little over a year has passed since we saw Rush in concert. That was a show I'd looked forward to for months, and like a little kid waiting for summer vacation to start, it felt like the days leading up to the show lasted forever. And then, like most things you can't wait to experience, it felt like it was over in a flash.

Often when you think back on an event you enjoyed a great deal you feel like it was just yesterday. It's so fresh in your memory that it seems impossible that any time could have passed. I don't get that feeling when I look back at the concert. I can still remember it vividly, and it was enjoyable, but I don't feel like last July was just a few weeks ago.

I wonder why some events are experienced in the moment and pass into memory without a struggle, yet others freeze time. Time was still passing normally last summer, I experienced it just like everyone else. In fact it feels like it has been forever since last July, like so much time has passed that it can't have been just a year ago.

November, on the other hand, that was just last week.