Moments

Some of the joy of looking through old photos is pulling them up in Light Room and reprocessing them, playing with the light and shadows and hues, and finding a new photo.

I've gone through all of the photos dozens of times, but there are always new things to notice: A look, a smile, a little detail that I hadn't seen before. Sometimes a tiny change seems to highlight the memory of a single moment, and I can experience it for the first time again.

Sometimes I look at these images and feel like he's right here, looking over my shoulder. If I could only turn around fast enough I might find him.

Cross posted from Kything NaturesZen

Hugs forever

I came across an old note that Jeff wrote one day. It was just a short good morning, I love you, have a wonderful day note, and he'd taped it somewhere so I'd see it before I left for work.

We left notes like that often, just to make the other smile. I never threw the notes away, but I didn't save them in special places either and it eventually got lost in a stack of other things. When it turned up the other day it was folded and crumpled but readable. It was an instant hug from him, but it was also one of those sudden reminders that he can't leave me new notes and it made me cry.

Maybe I found it because I needed a reminder to have a wonderful day. My days have been distinctly not wonderful lately, the sunny, beautiful days seem to have driven me into hiding in the house. How dare it be sunny and lovely outside! I won't endure it. I won't enjoy it. I won't have a wonderful day.

I suppose Jeff felt like he needed to remind me how he felt.

I immediately found a frame and put it near my bed, so I'd see his wish each day. I don't know if it will remind me to have a  wonderful day, or if I'll continue to rebel against that for a while longer, but it's another little connection.

Hugs forever, my love.

More observations from beyond the timeline

I was looking at some photos from last summer and realized that a little over a year has passed since we saw Rush in concert. That was a show I'd looked forward to for months, and like a little kid waiting for summer vacation to start, it felt like the days leading up to the show lasted forever. And then, like most things you can't wait to experience, it felt like it was over in a flash.

Often when you think back on an event you enjoyed a great deal you feel like it was just yesterday. It's so fresh in your memory that it seems impossible that any time could have passed. I don't get that feeling when I look back at the concert. I can still remember it vividly, and it was enjoyable, but I don't feel like last July was just a few weeks ago.

I wonder why some events are experienced in the moment and pass into memory without a struggle, yet others freeze time. Time was still passing normally last summer, I experienced it just like everyone else. In fact it feels like it has been forever since last July, like so much time has passed that it can't have been just a year ago.

November, on the other hand, that was just last week.

Sometimes

I feel like if I could just scream loud enough that he''d be able to hear me.

Sometimes I feel like if I could just really believe he was going to walk in the door that he really would.

Sometimes I like to let myself believe it really is a dream, and I will wake up.

Sometimes it helps.